I remember...

Today would have been Austin Scott Chase's 12th birthday. And tomorrow would be Spencer Clark Chase's 12th birthday. It's funny, because I think about them all of the time, even through I never really knew them. I just know they are my sons. I don't know WHY I lost them (well, physically I know why....but I don't know the eternal reasoning behind it), and I don't even really need to know why. The biggest lesson I learned from my experience was that I had to understand that I would never understand it. What I do know was that their short time on earth was a part of Heavenly Father's plan for me...and for them. And I also know that I will have the opportunity to be with them again.
I remember every detail from the time I found out I was pregnant with them until the time we buried them. We found out a few days before Mother's Day that I was pregnant. Isn't that lovely? So fitting. We found out a few weeks later that it was twins.....and a few months later that it was twin boys! I was so excited to be the Queen of the house. I remember every detail of September 20, 1996 when I started having contractions and after three calls to the doctor we finally drove across town to Good Samaritan Hospital. I remember walking in and being led to the very last bed in the triage unit. I remember the look on the nurses face when she realized that I was fully dialated and that I was going to deliever immediately. I remember the panic that washed over Hugh and I as it settled in what exactly that meant. I remember the way they rushed me to a room and tilted my bed so my head was lower than my feet. I remember them pumping me full of drugs that made me get sick. And then I remember the wait. Each minute that went by was a tick tock of hope that maybe I would be able to keep them inside of me. Friday led to Saturday that lead to Sunday that lead to Monday. And Hugh never left my side. My mom said that she witnessed true love when she watched Hugh brush my teeth because I couldn't do it for myself. Monday afternoon my water broke and tini tiny little Austin Scott was born just after 3 pm. He tried to fight, but he was just to tiny and underdeveloped. He looked perfect from the outside, but his insides weren't. I remember the look on my brother's face when he walked in with the nurse holding my son who was so tiny they had to dress him in doll clothes (and I still have them). He died in my arms about 4 hours later surrounded my a few family members and a couple of friends. They kept him in the nursery to await the birth of his brother. We knew it was coming. They tried to keep Spencer inside of me, but all night long I kept feeling him move lower, and lower, and lower. And then, about 4 in the morning, my water broke (exploded, more like it) and he was preparing to make his entrance. I remember being so scared because little Spencer decided to be difficult and he got stuck. A c-section wasn't advised, so the doctor literally "went in" and grabbed him and pulled him out (sorry to be so graphic). He looked so battered, but he made a little peep. I remember that being the only sound I heard come out of either one of them. He hung on for a few hours and then faded away...again in my arms. I remember it all. There were actually some funny moments during these few days....partially because I was so drugged up, and partly because I use humor to ease my pain. I went home shortly after Spencer passed way - I wanted to get out of there!!! I remember coming home to a nursery that I knew would have to come down. I remember finally getting to take a shower, and looking in the mirror at my now deflated tummy and feeling so lonely. I had never felt that kind of loneliness before. That memory still makes me cry. I remember all of the people coming over, bringing food, flowers, asking what they could do. I remember certain people going above and beyond.....the firemen who worked for Hugh so he could take time off, my then brother-in-law Elby stocking our house full of groceries, my mom planning the entire funeral. I remember the funeral and how many people came. And I remember not being able to be anywhere without Hugh. I remember waiting a few months to try again. And I remember on Valentine's Day - a few months later - finding out I was pregnant again. And I remember a few months after that giving birth to two more tiny babies - Courtney & Connor - but these two were big enough to fight. And they did, and are now 11 years old. I remember when they were 11 months old, crawling around on the floor, and me telling Hugh that I was pregnant - AGAIN. And I remember the birth of Caitlin - a whopping 6 pounds 14 ounces. She was the biggest baby I had ever seen!

I don't know why that chapter of my life played out like that. I do know that if I hadn't lost Austin & Spencer, I defintely wouldn't have had Courtney & Connor, and probably not Caitlin either. And that's all I need to know. Everything happens for a reason. Whatever that reason is. I'm glad I can talk about this and not cry. I'm glad that I can share my experience with others if it can help them. (Heidi...I love you. Hang in there.) I've thought that maybe that's why I went through this - to help others. I don't know. I'm so grateful that I had those two perfect boys here with me, if even only for a little while. I'll see them again one day. That I do know.

Our Family

Austin Scott - it looks like he's smiling

Spencer Clark