The Spank Man

Christmas 2000 - Apprently, my girls didn't know how to smile.  But they sure were cute!!

When my kids were toddlers, I had a very hard time attending church when Hugh was not with me.  He works every third Sunday, and back then, it was not an easy task to control three kids under three by myself.  I didn't feel comfortable asking for help, so I chose to skip church on the days that Hugh worked.  Don't judge me.  

The year that the twins were 3, and Caitlin was 18 months, I decided that I needed to bite the bullet and attend church as the Lone Adult on Christmas Day.  I mean, it WAS Christmas, and the girls had these beautiful dresses, and the least I could do was go to church!!!  So, I loaded them all up, got there late, and sat in the back. 

The girls had new shoes.  Hard soled shoes.  Loud shoes.  The minute we sat down, they were running around.  Connor too.  Out of control!  I tried to reign them, but it was no use.  I was at my wits end.  What could I do??? 

Then I saw him.  And by him I mean our Ward Clerk whose job it was to "take attendance".  He walks around, very slowly, and you can hear his brain working as he counts the number of people in the congregation.  His eyes are squinted and you can see his lips move as he takes mental notes.  It's a very serious job.  And his demeanor was perfect for what I was about to do....

I grabbed all three of the kids and brought them close to me. 

"Do you see that man??" and I pointed to the Clerk.  "THAT is the Spank Man. His job is to walk around and find all of the naughty boys and girls and take them out and SPANK THEM." 

Pure silence.

"Now, if you don't settle down and sit still, the Spank Man is going to get you!!"

More silence.  And stillness.  It worked!  I did not hear a peep from them for the rest of the meeting.

I used this tactic every week from then on.  Eventually, I spoke to the Spank Man, and thanked him for keeping the boys and girls of our ward in line.  He appreciated the kudos (and loved my idea.)  Each week after that, when he walked by our pew, he would point at each of my kids, and give them the EVIL EYE.  Man, my kids were the best behaved kids in the ward from that point on.

One Sunday, the Spank Man was sitting with his own family.  And his own little boy started acting naughty.  The Spank Man picked him up under his arm, and carried him out KICKING and SCREAMING. 

One of my kids exclaimed "Look!  The Spank Man got one!!"  That sealed the deal.  No more misbehaving from the kids.

Soon after, the Spank Man moved and we got a new Spank Man.  But he was NICE!  He would walk by and give my kids CANDY!!!  He wasn't as effective as Spank Man #1, but the kids sure loved him.

We recently saw Spank Man #2.  I said hi to him and re-introduced him to Courtney and Connor.  He reached into his scripture case and gave them candy.  Some things never change.