Four years of infertility and four kids later......why the heck would we ever thing we would need birth control??? Silly thought. But....when the twins were 11 months old and crawling around on my living room floor, that silly thought wasn't so silly anymore. I needed to take some kind of medication (I don't remember what for....probably sleep deprivation) but I wanted to make sure I wasn't pregnant. Hilarious to think I could be pregnant. I mean..come on!! It was pretty apparent that getting pregnant was not my talent. But, I took the test anyway, for peace of mind. I didn't even tell Hugh. Uh...can you say BIGGEST SHOCK OF MY LIFE!!! The biggest brightest red plus sign came across that pregnancy test quicker than I could say "Holy Crap!!!" I brought the test out to the living room where the twins were crawling. Hugh was in kitchen. I held up the test and said "I'M PREGNANT!!" He just looked at me. I repeated the absurd statment with laughter in my voice. "I'M PREGNANT!!" What a shock!!! I was six weeks along with one baby....Caitlin. She came three weeks early ON PURPOSE and was a whopping 6 pounds 14 ounces! She was the biggest baby I had ever seen!!! Those cheeks were to die for! We had our twins and we had our Bonus Baby. Our family was complete. We were DONE with the infertility/pregnancy portion of our life. Thanks goodness!!!
My experience was not a fun one. But I know for certain that I experienced that so I could help others. I didn't have anyone to talk to when I was going through all of that. I didn't even have the internet!!! I didn't have anyone to tell me that it was OK to NOT go to a friend's baby shower. I didn't have anyone to tell me it was OK to make my survival #1. I didn't have anyone to tell me that it was OK to cry and be mad when a friend or even a family member got pregnant. Those are all normal things. INFERTILITY SUCKS. I swear, I'm going to make a bumper sticker that says that. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But, it made me a much stronger person. I wouldn't be who I am today without that experience, so I'm grateful for it. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.......
7 Say what?:
Thanks for sharing your story. I truly believe that sometimes we do go through trials in our life so that we can help others later. I know it SUCKS, but it does make us who we are.
i LOVED reading these...write before you posted about caitlin i was so hoping you would to find out those details...you make some really good points-that those feelings of anger, questioning, sadness, bitterness, etc are all normal and okay to have. it's so good you help others to know that. grieving is a very healthy way to cope with the challenges that come. thanks for helping others realize that what they're feeling is okay...
Toni, I had no clue about any of these trial that you and Hugh faced. You are such a strong amazing woman and I really look up to you. I loved reading all of it and read all of the links to previous posts, some of them for the second time. And of course cried through the whole thing.
I love you Toni! You truly are a wonderful mother!
Toni, you most likely don't remember me...we only met a few times, I'm a friend of Kort's from back in the day. I happened to look at your blog today (from Alvin's) and this post is what I needed to read! It's been almost 14 months since we started "trying." I've tried so hard to be strong...to think that it's ok when other's get pregnant and I don't...today was just one of those days where you want to just sit and cry, nothing has sparked the emotions, it's just there. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Thank you for sharing your story and for what you said...I don't have to put on the strong front all of the time, I don't have to pretend to not mind that I'm not pregnant...I can be sad when I want to be and it's ok. You probably think I'm crazy...some random girl looking at your blog and commenting! ha ha. But I wanted you to know that I am very grateful for your honesty and for your desire to help other's...thank you for sharing your emotions and sorry for being a blog stalker! ha ha.
Amanda
http://stephanville.com/ams
Hi Toni!
Okay. It's so interesting to read through your story now as compared to when I heard bits and pieces many moons ago through mutual friends/family members when I was in h.s.
Melynda is another person that I remember when she was my yw advisor going through infertility.
Then to walk down that road years later for myself - it's such a totally different perspective. Your story encompasses so many other chapters I didn't experience. But the theme is the same. I TOTALLY HAVE TO SHOUT AMEN AMEN HALLELUJAH to your point about it being ok to feel upset. Okay to leave Sacrament meeting because you can't sit through another baby blessing. Okay to not go to showers.... bleh bleh bleh. I TOTALLY KNOW THOSE FEELINGS! Anyways, this is too much for a stinkin blog comment, but just had to say HOLLER!
Amy
Your Official Blog Stalker
I like the title of this one because it makes me HAVE to say, "Uh, after all of that - you don't KNOW where babies come from?!"
Toni, I love reading your story and remembering just how I was feeling for you. You have a beautiful family, your are so blessed.
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